Helmut is also a visionary experimental filmmaker, Botch. If you have the opportunity to watch some of his Xtranormal masterpieces, you're in for a treat.

Technically the two of us are still arch-foes, locked in a deadly struggle from which only one can emerge alive, but years of war have wearied us. Besides, he makes me laugh so hard. How could I feed that to the Togeraptor?

It comes from knowing each other nigh on fifteen years in some cases. And it helps that we're an odd bunch to begin with.

My enmity with Helmut is a story that goes back a LONG time. Like brothers we were, until a betrayal. His betrayal. Of me. He mocked the abandoned missile silo (into which I proposed to install the site and all its people) as manky, leaky, and rat-infested. That was the start. 

Later he wrote a cruel poem in PHP to tease me.

Yet it wasn't until our war began that his artistic side really got an outlet. I am, in this way, his muse.

That was fantastic. I only own it twice. I should rectify that, general principles, especially with the Steam sale.

For some reason I'd had it in my head that it would be a PS4-focused release, but it's not. From Software just saved me $400, for which I am duly grateful. They've earned one collector's edition!

Though I won't pre-order it. As good as Amazon Prime is about day zero shipping for new games, sometimes they miss it. Historically when I pre-order games I'm really excited about, and they don't arrive THE DAY they're in stores, I go buy a copy and then have two. Which makes me... very... um.

I'll just let you guys think of a word.

It does exist! We saw it yesterday. But the line was long so we decided to finish our reconnaissance rather than queue up to play. That's a Today Activity. Looks like the Eurogamer demo is a section leading up to, then the battle with, a boss you've seen in trailers - the Mirror Knight. Up close, it's clearly gotten another layer of graphics polish. More detail, much more character detail, and little touches like more moving cloth. Brilliant particle effects during a rainstorm. We should have hands-on time today, so I'll get impressions back when I can.

I'm not sure if this will make you feel better or worse, but Eurogamer Expo is now over and this is as close as I got to Dark Souls 2:

Various adventures kept causing us to put it off, and today as we descended on the Dark Souls booth, we saw that the line was approximately a million miles long. "Two and a half hours," said the unsympathetic Namco-Bandai stooge. "Minimum."

We put our heads together and conferred.

"Let's just make it up," said [redacted]. "You've seen it. They'll never know."

"What if they ask for specifics?" asked [redacted]. "Stuff you wouldn't be able to describe by watching."

<muttering>

"xtal and Botch will kill Steerpike if they find out he was an inch from Dark Souls 2 and didn't play it," cried [redacted], which I appreciated deeply. [redacted] has always had my best interests at heart.

"Honesty is an unassailable fortress!" I cried. "I must tell the truth. And the truth is: you bastards wouldn't queue up for it."

<chorus of denials>

But their denials are all lies. They made me play Need for Speed instead.

So I can confirm that Dark Souls 2 does exist, and that it was played by many people. None of those people were me. The Expo is closed now and I'm toying with the idea of sneaking back into Earl's Court and just making this shit happen, but I'll be blunt: I'm too pretty for a British prison. I've seen Guy Ritchie films and I know how it would turn out.

In better news, I did play a delightful Vita game called Tearaway that... you know what? That probably isn't helpful. 

Oho, raw meat! Cue the advices. 

Nothing to fear but fear itself. A soul saved its a soul lost to careless thumbstickery. Only noobs keep their shields up all the time. Blighttown is the ass of creation. That's no moon. Etc etc etc.

I just noticed that xtal used the phrase off the hizzle which makes me very happy. Helmut in Lordran! It's gonna be off the hizzle.

Fear not Helmut, I'll hop in and defend you against Xtal. I'm so better than he is at that game. Fo shizzle.