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It is with a very heavy and sad and angry heart to inform all of you that Finkbug, Ethan Sicotte killed himself Friday around 4:30pm Eastern time. I know that he posted here many times over the years. I am so sad that after 11 years, this relationship is over.
Ethan suffered from depression and other mental disorders for years and years. For him, he felt there was no help left. I at least had the opportunity to stop him February 29th by calling the police and he was held for about 48 hours. It was one last chance to force him in front of mental health professionals. He chose to not get help. He was very angry with me and told others he'd never talk to me again. We did get to speak again a few times and I am so glad we did. What it did was give him one extra week on this planet. It allowed him to see his best friend one last time.
I am sorry to have to post such a tragedy on this site but I know many of you knew him, some of you even got to meet him so I thought it was important to pass this on.
My only request at this time is to not refer to him as "passing away" He always hated that. Call it what it is.
Regards,
Monica
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Oh no! I just read this on Facebook but, that didn't seem like the right place to post, as this place (Four Fat Chicks) was where we all met. Fucking Ethan! I don't know whether to cry or scream. I knew he was deeply depressed at times but I guess I never knew just how deeply. How are you doing? (I know... brilliant question huh. You're feeling like hell.) Finkbug told me a couple of times that he was manic and had insomnia and I could tell he was deeply sad. I didn't realize he had never seen a shrink about it.
Ethan was one of the sweetest men I ever met and I know he'd puke to read this but it's true. And one of the most brilliant too, though he was well aware of his smarts. I'm glad you called the cops on him, Aud. That was brave, esp. knowing Ethan and how he would react to that.
Sorry, Monica.
Mike
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I am so sad and angry to read this. Why do some people have to suffer so much with depression? He was a special person and will be missed. I'm so sorry, Monica.
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Monica, I am so sorry. Thank you for alerting us, especially knowing what you must be going through right now. Please know all of our thoughts are with you.
Ethan was a part of this site for almost ten years. He will be so missed. His wit and cleverness often concealed that he was in pain. I appreciate your taking the time to give him a short tribute here.
If there is anything any of us can do, please don't hesitate to let us know. In the meantime, if there is any information regarding arrangements or an address to which we can send condolences, I'd be grateful if you would post it.
Matt
Life is the misery we endure between disappointments.
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Well Scout, he did see therapists and had a psychiatrist as well. I think the biggest issue is he just was not able to ever move forward with any action. He had failed a previous attempt a few weeks ago and the only reason I found out is that he sent me bizarre messages while in a hallucinating state. Although I was prepared that he most likely would try again, still hard to swallow. We had very serious conversations over the past few weeks and I am grateful that we did talk so frankly about suicide. yes it was hard for me to hear his thoughts but at least I have an understanding.
The family is not really going to have a service. I spoke with Ethan's mom earlier today and they are most likely going to rent a room for family and friends and just have a dinner. I will post any further info.
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Ethan was one of the first people I befriended on the web. Well, more like he befriended me when I was still new to Tap. Since then, we'd spent many hours chatting late into the night about a wide range of subjects. In that time, I got to know an incredibly intelligent, kind, and compassionate human being. He was someone whom I respected, admired, and cared about. Sure, he could be a bit negative or off putting at times, but it only enhanced his character and personality, and made him a well rounded person.
He will be dearly missed. I hope he's at peace.
Armand
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What terrible terrible news. I've just had to re-read this thread again because I didn't take in anything after Monica's first sentence. I don't know what to say. It's been strange him not being around the last couple of months, I thought he was just busy with stuff -- it just goes to show how much I knew him -- but one thing I do know is that he'll be missed around here and there'll be a distinctly Finkbug-shaped hole in Tap's community. Thanks for letting us all know Monica.
Rest in peace Fink.
Gregg
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This is so horrible a thing to hear. I guess I have the natural reaction that most would in terms of wondering what I could have said or done to help Ethan decide that life was worth living. He struck me as very smart and quirky, just unique as a person. I enjoyed getting to know him through his posting here and the few PMs that we exchanged. My condolences to his family and friends who knew him on a much deeper level than I ever could here online. Hope you will rest in peace Ethan...
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I will tell you this much. There was not much more to be done. When he told me over a month ago that he needed to break up with me because he was done with life, I knew that this would not go well. He trying to push me away was huge. I wouldn't let him. I am so glad that I got to talk to him Thursday morning. He told me not to worry about him that he was ok for the day. It was his way of saying goodbye.
At one point he told others he'd never speak to me again after calling the police on him. Well guess what? We did talk and although he was angry at me, we talked for over two hours on Monday night and I finally got to hear him say what I never really understood before. It is really deep stuff and I will not share the details but it gave me relief to at least understand why he did what he did. I still do not believe he made a good choice, him mind was ill but at least I do not have all they WHY questions.
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As of right now, his parents will be renting a room this coming Thursday to have a meal and share good memories. I have decided not to make the trip out there for it. I just cannot do it right now. I am choosing to see his parents in the fall when I will be visiting UMass at Amherst as part of my application process to get into the psychometrics field. I am so sad that if I get accepted, Ethan and I will not have the chance to see where our relationship went, being only 2-3 hour drive away. That makes me the most sad.
If any of you would like to pass on words for that gathering on Thursday, I will be e-mailing his mom with any memories, thoughts, etc.
I feel disconnected being so far away and I am kicking myself for not flying out there last week but that may have been an emotional wreck.
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If there is some way we can electronically create a page or card or something to share our thoughts of him for his family, it would be nice. If nothing else, they should know he had friends across the globe who cared for him and that he will be missed. He was one of a kind.
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I got an e-mail from Steerpike and he is planning to put together some sort of tribute here. Not sure what exactly that means but I trust he will do something to honor Ethan. His family I know will appreciate it. Ethan called this his virtual home so I am very much looking forward to what Steerpike will do.
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Four Fat Chicks, which became Tap-Repeatedly, has always been a community. A rare community, particularly online - one where we treat one another with respect and kindness, and where people feel comfortable. Ethan was part of that community almost from the very beginning. It just seems to me that there should be something permanent, or at least as permanent as the internet can offer, that remarks on him.
If anyone would like to share their thoughts or contribute, just email me.
Life is the misery we endure between disappointments.
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Ethan's family is requesting any thoughts/memories of Ethan at the following link:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wtl7HqRbE7MvyrpJNP9lyILlWn5yMUJT44KaK0ddpgc/edit
I am sure they would love to see some contributions from Ethan's gaming friends.
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Good night, sweet prince.
Members
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Damnation, Ethan, I am so sorry things got so bad that leaving life seemed (to you) the best solution.
Living for you has never been exactly "happy" but without a doubt you did experience some good times.
Playing WoW, I clearly remember my first dungeon with newbie me & Ernest & what was your very first character's name? A mage named Something-Potato (know I'll remember the name eventually, made no sense of course, later caught by the name-nazis on our rpg server & changed) ? Was MotorOil (Auditrix) the warrior playing yet? Took us 5 and 1/2 bloody hours to reach that boss guy at the end of Dead Mines. Because that dungeon was so strongly etched in my brain (you running to the front, blasting away & grabbing aggro, too newbie to know you were supposed to be in back), I'll have you know it is the *only* WoW dungeon I have ever played!
Oh, and remember our verrrry first MMO - Guild Wars with you & me & Scout? I was a nervous wreck...those avatars running around were controlled by real live people! Remember taking off your armor, standing on that raised platform, and wearing nothing but your necro tattoos (much to my avatar's embarrassment!) you danced & danced & danced.
In our last PM conversation, out of the blue you asked if I knew how to cook camel meat. Anyone who has talked with Ethan via text or mic or ingame, doesn't that sound just like him? If I am the Queen of Tangentistan, then Ethan was the King of NonSequitur. Bless him, while others may, sometimes (hell - often) found your written words difficult to follow, I rarely failed to make the leap from connection to (tangentially logical) connection.
Thank you Ethan for the good times. Thank you Ethan for fond memories. May you find rest in a place filled with books, and more books, and all the books that ever were.
My thoughts go out to your Mom & Dad, your sister, and Auditrix (only name she is for me).
Aud, my first reaction upon reading your initial post last Friday was shit! oh, no! shit, shit, shit! Yes I could read & react but I'd just come home from surgery where a plate was put in my broken g-damn!! mousing wrist. Inability to do no more than hunt'n'peck lefty made me hold off a reply until I got a bit better. Thank you for your post, your courage, your willingness to share.
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Rest in peace, Finkbug. We shared several very amusing PM conversations, but not nearly enough. If I'm ever again in the Caribbean I will try the Guinness.
If being wrong's a crime I'm serving forever
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Thank you Ethan for the good times. Thank you Ethan for fond memories. May you find rest in a place filled with books, and more books, and all the books that ever were.
Yes, this. A great library redolent with the scent of paper and leather binding, with rolling ladders reaching the tops of shelves that disappear into gloom. In the center a room with a freestanding fireplace and a selection of easy chairs for reading. A side table with a crystal decanter of something delicious. Other tables piled high with volumes, folios, even small chapbooks. Plenty of gaming equipment in the other room, so its noise doesn't interfere with the library.
That's where Fink is.
Life is the misery we endure between disappointments.
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Of course, surely someone with such a quirky vocabulary was a lover of books. His obituary said this:
"In lieu of flowers please send a donation in Ethan’s name to your local public library."
If being wrong's a crime I'm serving forever
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I might not have the number down correctly but I believe his mom said there were over 17 boxes of books from Ethan that went to the Portland, ME public library. Neat eh?
I wanted to let you all know how much his family appreciated the tribute here. It gave them much comfort knowing that Ethan had a community he was comfortable in. He never felt part of and this was one of the few places he did feel part of.
Kay, Ethan is smiling over your contribution. I do not need to say more than that.
It has been a bit over one week since his jump and I am still trying to take it in. I do know, and I can say this with fact knowing where he was the last few days of his life, while in flight he let out a long relieved sigh. He did NOT say oops.
Love you all, thanks for your support
Auditrix 
well 
and a few 
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