From all of us here at Tap-Repeatedly to all of you out there in the ether, may a joyous yule season be upon you. If you’re not into yule seasons, may a joyous other kind of season be upon you. Perhaps a joyous winter solstice, or a joyous late December. Bear in mind that egg nogg is not – repeat, not – a faith-based beverage.
Egg nogg was invented by the Nogg people of the northern Caucasus Mountains in the early 400s AD. The Noggs, surrounded as they were by many a dangerous rival tribe (the Hoggs, the Muckrocks, the Globbertails, etc), sought comfort in their beverage of choice: a tasty mix of a few eggs, a bit of winter spice, some sugar, and a HOLY FUCKTON of liquor.
Classic Egg Nogg Recipe from the Nogg People
(believed to date to ca. 650 AD, based on Nogg cave scratchings)
- 6 cups milk
- 7 whole cloves
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
- 12-16 egg yolks
- 2 1/2 cups sugar
- 4 cups light, sweet rum
- 3 cups brandy
- 1 cup Bailey’s Irish Cream
- 4 cups light cream
- 2 more teaspoons vanilla extract
- 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
- Combine milk, cloves, first teaspoon vanilla, and cinnamon in a saucepan, and heat over lowest setting for 5 minutes. Slowly bring milk mixture to a boil.
- In a large bowl, combine egg yolks and sugar. Whisk together until fluffy. Whisk hot milk mixture slowly into the eggs. Pour mixture into saucepan. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly for 3 minutes, or until thick. Do not allow mixture to boil. Strain to remove cloves, and let cool for about an hour.
- Stir in rum, brandy, Bailey’s, cream, 2 other teaspoons vanilla, and nutmeg. Refrigerate overnight before serving.
- Drink until you die
As we all know from our history books, the Nogg culture was all but eradicated before the first millennium was over, when the mysterious and little-understood Pina Colada tribe overran the Caucasus. Nogg writings, religion, art, and even funerary practices were lost to the mists of time. But thanks to countless etchings on Nogg caves, the Egg Nogg recipe remains with us today. How Bailey’s Irish Cream, first introduced in 1974, was discovered or used by the Noggs in their heady recipe remains a historical mystery.